2 way street

Its funny and yet far from funny how lonely you can feel when surrounded - engulfed even- by practically half a nation...and yet there are days when you are all alone, and your just sitting there spending time basking in your own thoughts, and the pleasure of your company and you feel fulfilled..its amazing how much of difference there is between being alone and feeling lonely..difference to an extent its really not so subtle anymore.
The question remains if we're essentially social creatures or not...why did the whole 'no man is an island' notion come about..perhaps thts waht we are meant to be..and yet most of us spend our lives trying to forget that and run away from it by hiding ourselves amongst masses of people and burrying ourselves within heaps of momentary, transient and often petty issues,feelings etc...not only our own but those of others as well..
it wld be easier if we were all individual islands dont u think...we wld be detached and unaffected by one another...and dehumanized - which seems to defeat the underlying point of human existance (which i think is to do all in our power to not just exist) - but it might just make it all easier.
There might as well be a manual..some kinda idiot proof guide book...telling us when to ignore our instincts...whn to follow them...when to know waht to do and when to not do it..how far to go..most important that.
Its not nice doing something when youre wondering the entire time if u shld do it, if u want to do it, why your doing it in the 1st place and if youre doing it fr the right reasons...
nope..its really not nice.
it cancels out the intention behind the deed, no matter how genuine or well-meaning it may be.
it cancels out how much effort or affection or happiness went into something...and shakes the sheer foundation of one's faith in the meaning of bonds and soulful relationships..
is it worth it when you do something u wanna do...initially ur convinced u want to do it..and then u start to wonder if u should do it...later, wonder if u stilll want to do it and at the end of it all, after a short period of wondering if u shld have done it, you are back to a state of conviction...more convinced than ever that you shld not have done it.
Life really is a circle..do i sense the principle of oracular reasoning somewhere in this??
Ive always had spinal problems..but recent events have been a great confirmation that its a major problem indeed ... the lack of one.
I think i have my principles,beliefs,desires,dislikes...and then i hear another perspective and i'm inclined to lean towards that - just slightly perhaps, but yet it alters my take on something i was sure abt just a conversation ago...and then yet another fresh even contradicting perspective comes my way and voila! Im confused, and completely thrown of balance. So much for having my own mind and spine..I'm the most extremely opiniated person i know, who dsn't have an opinon..certainly not one that wouldnt keep changing like the education system of the meritocratic democractic province..ahem i mean island im part of.
Forget the abstract stuff..the rhetorical stuff tht has no answers like the point of life and humanity etc...waht about the simple things like being happy, making someone happy...what if they clash..like wanting to make someone happy even if it means the means to that end might make them unhappy...how do u know that perhaps the end product might be so overwhelming (i hate this word) - in a postive sense of the word - that it might undermine the unhappiness surrounding the strategy..we cant know can we..to me at least, its about taking a stab in the dark..its about saying to yourself at the end of the day, 'well i tried.' Its about living in the moment, and not even taking tht moment fr granted...coz the very next moment, may cease to be yours..but wait..we are the transient ones..time remains...how easy it is to forget this simple fact..with that in mind, endeavour to live in every moment, coz who knows, beyond that moment, we may not be.
Sure its morose and all..but its the fact of the matter and the truth hurts...i guess thts why its tht much easier to forget, and to take everything fr granted, including ourselves.
Why do such dreadful words begin with 'D'
Dissillusionment..disappointment..dysfunctional..denial..doubt/dubious..Dengue-fever....hmm..
Im sure there are as many or maybe even more D words that are irrefutably(does such a word even exist..see this is precisely why i shld have done some lexicology module somewhere in my illustrious linguistic career) definitely positively inclined.
Detachment..fascinating word...probably the most neutral, ambiguous word i know...apart from destiny i think.
Soltitude is not a physical state..its a mental,emotional and psychological state..(in lingustics there's material, mental,behavioural etc...it never ceases to amaze me how things being to make sense in retrospect) you dont have to do anything to estrange yourself from others (indeed its possible to even estrange urself frm ur own self)...i cant begin to fathom why ppl seek isolation, and practice it as a physical thing, when soltitude is within.
If we are made up of a body,soul/spirit..how can we ever reallyy be alone when we are with ourselves... i do admire ppl who can enjoy their own company and who do not perpetually need others...those who are emotionally self-reliant.. but i really dont know if its something to attain...like a state of moksha/nirvana and its equivalents...its a matter of perspective isnt it..its abt where ur coming frm, where ur lookin from...
I dont know if i'll be able to understand....fully, partially..or anything at all..if ever
i dont know if i should
i dont know if i want to.
At the end of the day we're all different...essentially similar and yet in sooo many ways fundamentally different..its interesting, and challenging to celebrate the differences just as we would the similarities. Afterall we are made to be different..we have every right to be..there's no standard 'shld be'/ 'shldnt be'.
Hah..how simple it all is in theory.
I guess i need to accept 1st tht there isnt a manual...there isnt a guide...except divine interventions and instincts which one shldnt ignore too often..I need to constantly negotiate between 'the other'and 'the self' to strike tht balance...and hopefully emerge relatively certain about the inclinations of 'the self'....we can be inclined towrds others...towrds reaching out...but i tihnk its mandatory to stabilise the self, the I/me, the 'what i stand for' before we seek/strive to reach out...back to the within/without quote..one of my mantras.
Its probably the fundamental principle behind the aircraft safety thingi, where ur advised to secure your oxygen mask and life jacket before helping others. Thats not fundamentally selfish..hardly. a drowning person cannot save anyone...its not about being self sacrificial..its about being sensible...nope, thats not selfish at all...not the way i see it anyway. Do i sense myself going towards the lane of subjective perceptions...riiiight...... *takes a u turn*
Maybe it wld serve me well if i sorted some stuff out witihn, before meddling with the free spirits adn individuals whom im connected to/with..whom may not be connected to me...and spend my life wondering if we really are as connected as i think we are...
life and its ironies...some of us are perpetually running away from things, from loneliness, from uncertainty, from ourselves...while some of us are constantly running towards these very same things...
I'm pretty stable i think..coz if nothing else, im certain of one thing, the way i feel - i'm going against traffic.
Then again, its never always a continuous stretch...how long can the highway last...soon we're bound to reach a two way street...a junction, a U turn, a traffic light. Something.

I should go..have a test on in a few minutes...and none of this is going to matter in ... months,yrs to come.
Shld let it go.
And yes, a very wise person , whom i can't thank enuff for being a constant, timely sense of solace from across the miles, perhaps without even knowing how much it has mattered/helped at tht point , has said - among lots of reassuring and thought inspiring things, that there's only one way to go - forward.
So let's go forth with alacrity..
we dont have thaaaaat much time to look back..let alone be stuck in the dark and backward abysm of time. Sometimes all it may take to come out into the light, is a single step.
As simple as that...If only we knew that and remembered it.
Oh well....Something's gotta give....
Life is to be lived...live it.Love it.Celebrate it.Cherish it.
Sheeesh i sound like a shah rukh wanna be...might as well go all the way now and do the whole works.....
kal ho na ho.

* start music !