The Thorn Birds

"There is a legend about a bird which sings just once in its life, more sweetly than any other creature on the face of the earth.From the moment it leaves the nest it searches for a thorn tree, and does not rest until it has found one.Then, singing among the savage branches,it impales itself upon the longest,sharpest spine.And dying, it rises above its own agony to out-carol the lark, and the nightingale.One superlative song,existence the price.But the whole world stills to listen, and God in heaven smiles. For the best is only bought at the cost of great pain..
or so says the legend...
....At the very instant the thorn enters there is no awareness in it of the dying to come, it simply sings and sings until there is not the life left to utter another note.But we,when we put the thorns in our breast, we know.We understand.And still we do it...Still we do it."

How true.This reminds me of 'the nightingale and the rose' by oscar wilde...one of my all time fav poems..its ironic, sad and beautiful and at the same time teaches us to really put things in perspective...along with a few valuable lessons :
1)Nothing is worth dying for - not even love, and not even if the dying party was a nightingale.
2)Don't die for the sake of someone else's love.
3)Life goes on......no,really.
4)We always have a choice.Even if u'r dying a slow and painful death with a thorn piercing through ur heart...u cld choose to sing till the end...a bit like the musicians who continued making beautiful music as the titanic sank..?

Song in my head right now :

Some day, when I'm awfully low,When the world is cold,I will feel a glow just thinking of you...And the way you look tonight.
Yes you're lovely, with your smile so warmAnd your cheeks so soft,There is nothing for me but to love you,And the way you look tonight.
With each word your tenderness grows,Tearing my fear apart...And that laugh that wrinkles your nose,It touches my foolish heart.
Lovely ... Never, ever change.Keep that breathless charm.Won't you please arrange it ?'Cause I love you ... Just the way you look tonight.

:)

wannabe-anonymous

Just for the record, (this is more of a self-clarification) the wannabe here is the adjective form, and not the declarative verb(??) i-want-to-be.
Oh and by the way if one doesn't get what the hell i'm talking about, one shouldn;t worry..really.Coz i think normal people don't talk or think in terms of adjectives, verbs, determiners etc..this is the process of contamination that takes place when you bombard your fresh unadulterated mind with stuff you dont' really comprehend or like...but you gotta pretend u do.. for the sake of...well your own sanity for one..and alot of other things including the fact that you need to be/seem/sound/feel intellectual and academic.
HAH.
Did i mention that i believe that we're all intelligent and creative and receptive to knowledge and naturally inquisitive until the day we begin some form of formal education?Did i say believe?I'm convinced.
Was talking to my mom about it the other...have you noticed how kids in pri 1..and pre- kindergarten/nursery are so full of questions..they question everytihng...they have ideas, spirit,originality...and noone breathing down their neck with cliches like "critical analysis..process skills..creative thinking..yada yada"...they're full of energy, they don't feel conscious when they're wrong or when they dont know what to say..or have anything to say for that matter..and they volunteer, participate with enthusiasm, they're spontaneous,they're just themselves and happy about it. Then primary one happens. By the time you get to pri 6 most kids lose all that (to different extents)...next time u get the chance, walk past a pri 1 class in action, and then past a pri6 class in inertia. Now imagine these kids still have psle, o levels, a levels etc etc to get through. How much is taken away or added to the essential ME? we start off as sponges but along the way...i think we become carpets..soaking in everything - even the messiest spills which dont do a thing for us.
I feel like i've just written one of those introductions to academic/discourse essays that noone but the writer understands...and you read it and think," and this is just the bloddy beginning of the article!!" So maybe i'm on the right track afterall.
Back to the idea of anonymity (anonymousity??guess not - but sounds cuter)..i suppose one can't really be all that anonymous in here (right,appendicitis parasitis?...chortle chortle) :P which is quite an uncomfy idea..for me..but at the end of the day, i do beleive in a greater good. Afterall, seeing the way my academic non-life/ non-academic life (wonder if they mean the same thing??) is going...if all else fails, including the flower shop backup plan (seeing that i like only 4 flowers in the whole world)..and i did rot and die...someone wld declare on my tomb "maybe she could write?". Perhaps "could have written" would be more appropriate since i would be dead. Morbid..shudders.
Wonder how possible it is to write about something without actually writing about it..i mean if thats possible in speech...i should be able to pull it off here as well right.If blogging was really about catharsis, and you had to let off steam and deal with things that were sort of gnawing at you..u wldnt want the whole world to know who/what you're talking about right??or maybe its not such a big deal to some..most...everyone else? :1
Its really quite scary when you spend a lifetime convinced you were going to do something..and then you actually did it and realised that it wasn't what you wanted to do afterall..and now that you know that's not it, you don;t know waht to do..or if you can do anything at all.
Sometimes you want to do something soo badly that the anxiety itself prevents you from doing it..(those who came up with "When u want soemthing badly enough , you get it" probably did include the above point as a P.S but it;s not an inspiring quote-worthy concept)..like the other night...i decided i was going to sleep early no matter waht coz i had to be up at 5am in order to make it on time for an early lecture...This is the kinda class you don't want to enter late,coz its impossible to be inconspicuous about it. Somehow i only made it to bed around 1-ish am and had trouble falling asleep..and the more i was telling myself to sleep NOW coz i had less than 3 hours before i had to wake up...the harder it was to fall asleep...i mean i know i'm prone to anxiety attacks but this is rather extreme i think!Eventually i did fall asleep, but i swear my alarm went off like 10 mins later. The phrase "catching up on sleep" has got it all wrong..its more like sleep catches up on u - it was simply impossible to stay awake during that bio lecture..kept nodding off no matter how hard i tried. Ironic.
Ok..this entry is the consequence of a few things..but becoz i'm trying to be a positive being, i shall say it is inspired by a few things :
1) i just finished 1.5 readings which sounded exactly the way this blog would sound to someone else.
2) I still have 2.5 readings to complete and i hear one of them is the ultimate nightmare article.Gdluck to bbs and ssi who are presenting on it.
3) i have to do all this by tonight, including tuition. Yea, i tutor toads.
4)part of me is thinking, even if did do all of it, i'm probably gonna sit in class and look like i was still grappling with letters of the alphabet.

ok i'm tired.sides...ppl were right aobut the impact of seeing your thoughts in writing.After looking at the list above, its hit me how much work i have and how little time. Which would mean i should have started..................a few hours ago.

End-of-Rant.

Can't believe i'm actually doing this...typing in here..blogging as they call it now..i've been reading friends' blogs and i really liek reading stuff they write...makes me laugh, or feel emotional or simply reflect on things...and i learn more about my friends thru their writing..stuff i may never realise or see otherwise...but just 2 days ago i was telling my bestfriend how although i really found it (the concept of blogging, and my friends' entries) interesting and stuff..but that i cld never actually write my own blog..cldnt imagine typing out thoughts...feelings..just mundane stuff even...that i was more of a talking person..i am..i usually feel much better once i talk about stuff, be it gd or bad...and if i reallyy had to let some stuff out that i wasnt ready to share with anyone, i scribble..random lines...sometimes what i consider abstract poetry. so yea..that was just 2 days ago, our conversation...when i was so convinced blogging wasnt my thing.. and here i am..just goes to show how much thnigs can change just like that..well the long and short of this whole thing is, basically this is a 1st fr me..my 1st entry.i'm just writing random stuff...witohut even thinking about wht to say next..if that even makes sense..just going with the flow of my thoughts...so let's see where they take me.
I guess everything is a matter of timing...i really do beleive in how there's a right time and place fr everythnig..i beleive it now more than ever before..but sometimes everything just seems so meaningless and sort of...u know..directionless and futile and empty..that i wonder if i'm just deluding myself.Perhaps there are some qstns best left unanswered - fr the time being at least.Not trying to sound deep or philosophical..its just the mood/frame of mind i'm in i think..though sometimes i think its a phase, and a damn long one at that.
Ever get a feelnig youre just trapped in ur life...not like a cage animal in the zoo or anything hlaf as dramatic...just tht you feel youre not really you...like if the stuff u wore wasnt really ur sense of style, and if the stuff u said wasnt what u were actually thinking off..and if waht you were doing with ur life wsnt anything close to waht u can see youtself doing..or what u had envisioned for urself in de beginning of time..?i mean forget out of body experiences...this is more like an out of life experience.
sometimes i think everything is just shining and happy and that i'm in harmony with the universe and that everything is exactly as it is meant to be.
i really hope thats true..coz its a comforting thought...and i try to beleive in it esp when its getting harder and harder to.
Its funny how u can go to bed feeling that way, and wake up the next day feelnig exactly the opposite...melancholy and just bitter about stuff and feeling like everything about your life was wrong adn that nothing is the way its supposed to be...but u know whats scarier than that??The thought that perhaps evrything was infact the way its meant to be - and this is it.
ok see..its when i go down this road (happens quite a bit) and start to depress myself (evne more) and scare myself while i'm at it that i tell myself, stop rite here and end the night before the feeling takes over.So i think thats waht i shall do now.If i ever do get possessed again by the same spirits, i might just be back again..this is life afterall..anything's possible..
...or i might just wake up tomorrow morning...happy and contented and convinced that everything was fine and that i was living my dreams and making the most of my life and being exactly the kind of person i'd like to be and of coz feel more strongly than ever that blogging isnt my kinda thing...who knows?
...U know wahts weird...i used to think, if i EVER for some reason decided to blog some day..id write something happy and lighthearted and funny...and not something which screamed out the words psycho..but well .. like i said, this is life.... you just never know.