Somewhere only we know

"A brief candle; both ends burning
An endless mile; a bus wheel turning
A friend to share the lonesome times
A handshake and a sip of wine
So say it loud and let it ring
We are all a part of everything
The future, present and the past
Fly on proud bird
You're free at last."

...isnt this is a beautiful poem..and the thing i find sad about is, the writer (charlie daniels) wrote it on his way to his friend's funeral..
The past few days have been surreal - wonky, as ribenaberry wld say (and she'd know what i'm referring to)...I think its one of the best words ever invented..up there in the lofty league of worthy creations such as goondot and koala-kanga of course..its all encompassing and it just means everything u want ti to mean at that point. What more can one expect of a single word! Well anyways..yea..wonkiness..i wonder if its just yet another thing im going to have to get used to..maybe that's best..when u cant beat em join em, probably just means "Tuff!get used to it!"
What ds one do when one wants to say so much and yet one cant find the words for it..when words just aren't enuff..when there's so much to go into that perhaps its better to linger at the doorway, rather than enter the alleys of somewhere beyond. U know when sometimes..certain memories are sooo vivid, and ur cant decide if it all happened ages ago, or just yesterday and yet an eternity would have passed in the time btween...and you know how sometimes you can miss people who are right here right now...and that's when they feel so near yet so far away...the silver lining is, it helps u put physical distance in perspective...
so much for optimism huh..

I came across this quote :
"Just because everything is different doesn't mean that everything has changed"
Isnt it interesting?I mean just think abt this one..think there;s more to it than meets the eye? maybe.

Think of me,Think of me fondly,
When we've said goodbye.
Remember me once in a while
Please promise me you'll try.

I think it's the incredible restlessness and listlessness that's taken over me..its overflowing into everything else..its amazing how emptiness within can overflow into everything else around and in how that same emptiness can consume all within and without. How can your heart feel empty, and yet heavy..and how can you feel such overwhelming genuine joy and happiness one second, and yet depression like a dark cloud hanging over you the next - and stranger still, both inspired by the same thoughts?? Life is so weird...Life...just...is.

When you find that, once again,
You long to take your heartBack and be free -
If you ever find a moment,
Spare a thought for me...

Argh...
Ok I shall try to write of more pleasant things....TRY being the key word, no promises.
Ok got some nice things to say to some ppl.
Ist up : junky, thanks for the positive pressure to post something..its made me force myself to break out of some state of inertia and actually type. And fr the record,was great seeing u in sch today too...finally eh. And it was niec spotting u frm afar recognizing u in that state of indecision..and walking up to u..there was something very comforting and reassuaring in the familiarity of the whole...erm...situation. But yea,thanks,was a nice start to de day..and I hope ur meeting with koala kanga went well!Yep if ur gonna be in sch on fri, we'll catch up..gimme a buzz if ur there btwn 12-4!
Next a few congratulations msgs.
i'm really happy fr 2 special goondots.
ribena berry for having passed her bar!!yaaaaaaaay! CONGRATS goondot..i'm not entirely shocked but I'm still thrilled fr ya, well deserved indeed! & we have to celebrate this - ur treat of coz!
And last but not least my dearest fungi species mouldy one,
Congrats on getting ur lovely pink ipod mini at long last, and more importantly for deciding u were gonna get it..guess this what they calling following one's heart??Well im sure ur damn happy with it, and im real happy u got it finally!NOW KEEP IT CAREFULLY AND TAKE GOOD CARE OF IT!!!!
Ok so what else.....

....... well.......nothing else....

Ok I'm still bored.
its back..that wretched restless, unsettled feeling

We never said our love was evergreen,
Or as unchanging as the sea
But if you can still remember,Stop and think of me...
Think of all the things
We've shared and seen -Don't think about the things
Which might have been


I wanna watch Hitch..i wanna watch finding neverland..i wanna watch shall we dance and hide and seek and even phantom of the opera (yes,AGAIN! 3rd time btw!and I'm still excited abt the prospects of watching it again....siiigh)

Think of me,
Think of me waking, silent and resigned.
Imagine me, trying too hard
To put you from my mind.

I need to sobre up and settle down...get down to my readings (looks at reading package for childhood & youth) especially since one of my lectures " sociology of work" is like sitting in mr bong's econs lecture in jc... in one word, its greek to me. Sitting in this module really dsnt do much fr my identity crisis, or my nerves..well u try listening to 2 hrs of this :
Free markets, capitalist economy, planned economy, durkheim, weber and Marxist theories on division of labour and wages, industrial revolution, unions, monopolies, bourgeosis and urban proletariat
YES, MY POINT EXACTLY.
I havent gone fr my medical sociology lecture yet coz I missed the 1st one and there's only been 1 lect so far....so hopefully i will know more about it soon.. but considering its medical sociology...m not expecting much..well nothing mind blowing anyway.
Childhood and youth seems pretty fun.the most promising of my..erm....grand total of all of 3 modules this sem..content wise im excited...if only my tutor dindt sound the way she ds!! She's like the female version of 'yan can cook'....actually no im exaggerating - thts way too good..imagine yan can cook, before he learned basic English grammar!!thts how my tutor sounds. A delightful combination of bad English, bad pronunciation and an American accent acquired over 8 yrs. Painful.

Anyway all u ppl out there who haven't been posting *glances at fungi* - get down to it soon!!not coz u;ll earn the wrath of yogajunkie who's obviously bored and jobless, but coz I'M BORED AND RESTLESS and I don't even amuse myself anymore..so do something abt it already!


Recall those days,
Look back on all those times,
Think of the things we'll never do -
There will never be a day,
When I won�t think of you...

Cheers folks..to all the lovely times tog...the good, the not so good, the memorable..

All to be cherished.. coz in every little way... they're all very, very special.
:)

The point of no return

I did IT.
i went and watched 'the phantom of the opera-the movie' and i went all by myself too...
context : its quite an achievenment coz i'm THE non-beleiver of watching movies or shopping or doing any such activity alone...the mouldy one used to do tht kinda thing..and once upon a time..when i was young and stupid and naiive and idealistic..not too long ago :S - i always told her it was sad and pathetic and id rather sit home and read a good book if i wanted to enjoy my own company, as opposed to watching a movie alone...but in retrospect i think its coz i never had the grit or guts to go alone..coz i know it takes something more to enjoy ur own company...something special..and lately i think i've been discovering that..watching the movie alone today was an experience..it gave me a sense of adventure and independance and tho it sounds sad and mock heroic...i'm glad i did it..and the mouldy one said she's proud of me and so did msgee..and these are 2 of the most individualistic and gung ho women i know..so tht settles it. no regrets whatsoever. I think im in fine company.
The movie needless to say was FANTABULOUS..it was awesome...and pure magic..attention : my dear tuna-munching chicken craving 'veggitarian' yogajunkie linguist - WATCH this movie..even if u have to steal ur sister's last 7 bux (actually better not lah, bad idea coz i want her to watch it too)...so try mr bs's last 7 bux... coz this show is worth selling ur kidneys fr!
CK : if its still showing in london, pls do watch it even if u have watched the play, and especially so if u liked it.the music needs no further recommendation...awesome and overwhelming....excellent screenplay..very well taken...and hey u might be inspired to direct a musical version of 'antha oru veedu'..complete with soundtrack which includes croaking..hehh..
Christine is soooooooooo lovely!!!!!!!!!!!!strangely enuff she reminds me of how manisha looked in '1942 a love story'.. and others who saw her agreed too!shes beautiful..and the phantom...words fail me...
siigghhh.damn....i think im in love with a phantom frm the 19th century! woo hoo! :S

.........Listen to the music of the night...............

Song of the moment : learn to be lonely
OST : phantom the movie

Child of the wilderness Born into emptiness
Learn to be lonely Learn to find your way in darkness
Who will be there for you Comfort and care for you
Learn to be lonely Learn to be your one companion
Ever dreamed out in the world There are arms to hold you?
You've always known Your heart was on its own
So laugh in your loneliness
Child of the wilderness Learn to be lonely
Learn how to love life that is lived alone
Learn to be lonely
Life can be lived
Life can be loved
Alone.

The phantom of the mind

Felt strange being back in sch today.. i was all geared up for it and even took a cab frm clementi mrt coz i didnt' wnt to be late..i reached jussssst in time to run in...or wld have been 6 mins late max but once i entered the forum i just felt like i cldnt tkae one step further towards the LT..i just felt completely uninspired adn totally not in the mood...i hate it when i feel this way..adn to make things even harder, there was this sprawling bazar with loads of (gasp) earrings!!How inviting is that - and as if i can resist?!So i quit the self-talking that i was trying to do, coz i knew deep down i wasnt gonna go in..and perhaps for more reasons than just the earrings..coz i knew i began dragging myself even before i saw the earrings stalls.
So i walked around...got 2 pairs of earrings that i'm not exactly in love with but theyre ok i guess..and then sat arnd,read my book which i'm really enjoying despite the description 'a novel about the history of philosophy' - i mean what kinda enticing intro to a novel is that?!The book is about alot more than philosophy (as a dicipline i must add,coz at time i begin to wonder if philo is just all encompassing in a way that surpasses my understanding of it all) but in any case, i managed to use some of the time well-apart from indulging myself and adding to my earring collection and then walking around talking to random people and rare familiar faces arnd sch..and later met s&s at the sci canteen fr tea of some sort ..was chatting with s(m) abt this,that and nothing in particular while waitin fr s(f) to arrive..i enjoyed the chat tho it was more of a monologue which is often the case and i;m getting used to amusing myself..so yea....s(f) has a really nice new pair of jeans..i think it really suits her and im glad she bought it..anyways after leaving sch, had a quick bite with an old friend/senior frm jc..a very impromptu plan but i'm glad we got to catch up.
U know..i intended to write about entirely different things...things closer to my heart adn mind right now...and i had totally no intention of rambling on and on AND ON about the absolute nonsense and insignificant details of my uneventful day..i mean what was all that about?!!Sigh..why is when i want to write somethnig specific i end up writing about everything ELSE in the world?!
We learnt a phrase in jc..during GP..and i remember it coz i was incharge of explaining that phrase (we each were assigned to one phrase) and mine was 'begging the question'.
This must have been the least non-sequitor thing ive said the whole time. Thanks for the applause. *deep bow

"Wishing you were somehow here again . . .knowing we must say goodbye . . .Try to forgive . . .teach me to live . . .give me the strength to try . . .No more memories,no more silent tears . . .No more gazing across the wasted years . . .Help me say goodbye.."

Such beautiful lyrics..and music...wow...Am listening to this song now...i keep playing it over and over (i go thru phases, i play every 'song of the phase' like my mantra) ...but seriously aren't these lines just so beautiful...sigh...actually..maybe i've said it (ie what i set out to say) afterall - tho its hardly in my own words - welcome to the phantom of my mind. HAH.
I think i'll make a very good female version of the phantom- dontcha think??Fr the record, I'm D.Y.I.N.G to catch the movie btw..i simply LURRRRVED the play..was mesmerized and completely absorbed in it & overwhelmed by it..the whole mystery of the man behind the mask,the music (of coz!!!) and the magic of it all.
So many memories... damn
Alrighty...i'll leave it at this for now before i start divulging exciting and scandalous details of my life (for instance what i ate for dinner and the colour of my new earrings).. i think i shall leave you writhing in anticipation,suspense and utter anguish!
*evil laffter
Ok before i start shrieking out my adaptation of the opera...i shall truly end here.
till next time..
*the phaaaaaaaaaaantom of the opera is herrrrrre...insiiiiiiiiide my miiiiiiiiiind.........

...........................

"Past the point of no return,the final threshold -what warm,unspoken secrets will we learn?Beyond the pointof no return . . .
....You have brought me to that moment where words run dry,to that moment where speech disappears into silence, silence . . ."

ps : oh mouldy one.. incase ur wondering, nope i haven't lost my mind, tho i cnt be entirely certain at this point - but i'm fairly sane i think and hardly pining in lowve or anything remotely close .. so dont let tht imagination of urs run wild coz we both knw we have (almost) equally sad lives
:) seeyya soon dude!

All boxed in

Well i know its been ages since i blogged, well since i promised to blog more regularly anyway...but hey i've been busy bidding for modules which are just impossible to get coz the lowest bid points are something like 1500 and i have a grand total of..let's see..54??Happening rite.Nice..so i'm not getting the modules i really really want except for one 'childhood & youth' which i really enjoyed today and it seems very promising..so hope things look up from here..i've decided there's only so much i can do- ie : email and appeal to every single office and online appeal site possible..and i'm gonna take whatever comes my way..and try to have faith that it's meant fr me and that it's meant fr the best..*hoping some of ribena's positivity has rubbed off on me!!
So much for bidding and blogging..i havnet been doing the latter, but i've been reading..and i've enjoyed that..as for the boxes..i signed into the blogspot after so long, and its really strange coz everything's boxes..instead of the regular font with letters..weird - anyone knows how to fix that??I have no idea how this happened coz it sure dindt look like that before! :S
Anyways..sch has started..i'm still grappling with that..more so in an emotional sense...it will be so different..wont be seeing the smae familiar faces in practically every class..wont see the same faces waiting outside the classrooms and saving seats fr me in 'conspicuous corners'...won't see the same ppl walk in late..ahem..and then happily doze off in front of the lecturer..ahem ahem..hehe..wont get to goss about the gang of 4 and the obnoxious one and blink blink bow tie..sigh..well it's ok..i'm sure my own sources will keep me very much in the loop...even tho my classes fall on the very same days that they have none..and i;ll be in the other end of campus practically every other day. Well chums..we'll still be in touch i;m sure...over pasta and fruit salad & goss about the sad department! and of coz abt the progress of the so far barely existant ISMs *grin!
In a way im happy to go back to some kinda routine..but in more ways its sad..i cant decide if i wnat my uni life to end or not..i do and i dont..feels like my life is gonna be that much emptier and meaningless..it's already beginning to feel that way...so much for trying to be positive eh!!Well i did promise myself i'd get out of eyore mode and become ..er...who;s the happiest character??Roo probably coz it gets to sit in the mommy's pocket (the mommy's a kangaroo just in case u think i've lost it completely - and if u do, where the heck have u been and what have u been reading/watching?!sheesh!) so back to being happy..yea..happy baby roo..in the safe pocket..in a way, i am there but im not all that happy..
Questioning alot abt why im here and why it feels like im meant to be here but like im not fulfilling my purpose..u know how nagging that kinda feeling is..dont let me even go there..but yea..i strongly recomment 'the 5 ppl u meet in heaven' by mitch albom..the same chap who wrote 'tuesdays with morrie'..both awesome books..and this one (5 ppl..heaven) is reallyyy beautiful..i cried on the bus while reading it, i sat in the library and cried while reading it..and i finished it in one day..no no its not morbid or tragic sad or anything..its just beautiful..and alot of my own qstns seemed to at least make sense..as in i wont say i have THE answers now..but before even the qstns didnt make sense and now they do..so its a start dontcha think..so yea..read tht book folks..it;s all about the meaning of ur life and realising why you're here and why the stuff tht happens,happens. Enlightening stuff.
I dont know how this year's going to be different..i wonder if it is going to be in the 1st place..sometimes i feel a difference at the start of the yr..this year i dint..it felt like any other day..remember talkin to Lav abt it..i wonder if it has any significance that it felt uneventful and insignificant (hah)..but then again last yr i remember i had this feeling it was gonna be an eventful yr..and boyyyyyy was it eventful.. :S
ok let's not go down this lane either.
I wanna do so many things...i wanna meet up and spend quality time wtih all my friends..i wanna go for morning walks with the mouldy one...i wanna go fr movies..i wanna go cycling and night swimming..and other stuff which ive been thinking off all my life but never got down to...i want to take up classical (carnatic) music..i want to be able to sing confidently..and not croak away while dreaming of having a gorgeous voice somewhere in the distant future..i want to learn somthing new...something different..something out of my safety/comfort zone..i realise its no longer a comfort zone..its an entire comfort island..and so often i think/feel im trapped in it..imagine being trapped within your self..ds tht mean there's another self somewhere out there..within us or outside the 'core me' (here we go, the I vs Me debate.sounds familiar??)..or is there an essential self with many different aspects? Still mulling over that one..and my life is NOT a helpful case study. I wanna write..i wanna take up a course,learn about different cultures adn different kinda music...learn hindi..I wanna do more spiritually inclined stuff..and i want to find my voice and use it.. use it for worthy purposes even if its underused..i wanna travel (sob!!here's the big moment when we distinguish btwn 'want' and 'need' -- i want to do alllllll these thnigs..but i need the money 1st) - get the diff??Ok i better start working on the needs seriously...so that i get to do all tht stuff by...well hopefully before i retire,assuming i get a job in the 1st place!Which means i gotta figure out what i wanna do next.where i wanna go..and what i need to do...ok this is making me anxious..
next!!
I miss the kiddos..even the noise and the relentless overplaying of peter pan and cinderella and EVEN BARNEY - GASP!sad ..very sad..but i do miss them..Eeeks!!.something;s happening to me!Im starting to miss and get attached to kids!!Help!
I promised myself i'd stop being epiphobic and live up to the meaning of epiphany..and i promised ribena i'd try to be a more positive happy person this year...but here i am prattling on like a cross breed btwn oscar the grouch and eyore. But its ok..there's tomorrow and beyond..and the light will come back..afterall there's no such thing as darkness, only the absence of light (profound inspiration of the moment) :)
Feeling sleepy..and exhausted..(and i;m supposed to be an insomniact!this is disrupting my routine) but its been an emotional roller coaster ride, and i wonder when it'll be time to get off..i cld wait for it to stop..or i cld jump off,and be an 'agent of change' and end it myself..tht wld mean taking a risk...aah..im just tired..not gonna think abt it now,esp not in the wee hours of a sat morning!! ..so ciao fr now folks...
Till next time..keep writing... coz it gives me some inspiration (and something to do)..and dearest fungi (u know who u are) i just have to go on record adn say i lowved your journ style post!! Lookin frward to more - blogs and time tog!!

The Chosen Shelter

"That little bird has chosen its shelter

Above it are the stars and the deep heaven of worlds;

It is rocking itself to sleep without caring for tomorrow's lodging

Calmly clinging to its little twig

and leaving god to think (plan) for it."

- Martin Luther

Epiphany

How does one start when when doesn;t know to..and when one doesnt know where & when one stopped at last and where to move on from and whhat to move on to..
I guess one should stop thinking so much and perhaps just start.

An email with a link to a friend's blog has inspired me to actually loook at this site again..after ages i must confess..and reading the stuff i wrote in there, i realised what i said to CK (yea i have connections- didnt u know!) , is so true..looking back at my recent posts -i thought it was catharsis but sounds more like incessant whining - neeeds an entire power generator to illuminate the darkness before its engulfs all that dare enter!Ooh.. scary.. ok i'm not trying to sound all dark and 'keep out' or anything...infact quite the contrary but i'm trying to take one step at a time..to live each day, day by day..by day...sounds familiar??Ben stiller was hilarious in 'meet the parents'..wonder if the sequal lived up to expectations..hope i get to find out fr myself soon! Well anyway this was quite a timely awakening..so CK,thanks for that.

OK this bit is the official closure to the pain,calamities,personal losses & grievances and a general state of inertia,negativity & darkness (there's that word again!) of 2004..for me at least,and i'm sure i'm not alone..its been a real Tsunami of emotions (no offence meant..that's such a tragedy but there's a lesson in it fr us all..and it's not just that 'time and tide wait for no man'..Hope we all take it far deeper than that.within ourselves..) let's count our blessings and light our own candles and hang on to them..and hopefully one day, we'll spread the light beyond ourselves..I wonder if this sounds as if if i'm personally gonna bring elucidation and joy to the world..nice thought indeed, salvation and peace to earth adn all..but for now i'll aim to usher in some light and peace into my own small world...my self and every special person who's in it...aspiring to leave some stuff behind,close some doors,open some windows and move on...to 2005,tho technically it is already 2005..but hey, whoever said ive got to keep with the calendar anyway?Jan 1st is afterall just a date..it might mark a new year but if it feels like its only a new day..then how significant is that?It's more than mere words i know..got to keep working at it. But didn't someone say "a goal is just a dream until u write it down??"

Ok i shall end with the starters..hope i'll get down to the main course soon enough..
looking forward to new adventures,experiences,lessons etc etc etc.
Till we meet again - Bon Apetite' and Carpe Diem folks and faithful fans and fantastic friends.
:)