Gone ballistic

They say a picture says a thousand words... i just have to agree
Let me take u thru my b'day album... in no particular order fr general humanity's and sanity's sake..

chapter 1 : Burpsy Bloopers
*looks at the classic shot of burps spread out on the gymball (details on the gymball will come later), resembling some odd and exotic cross breed btwn a lizard and a sloth..eyes bulging, looking like it cldnt decide if it was :
1) dying a slow painful death
2) reflecting on its life and its numerous traumatic experiences
3) Attempting to do yoga
If i go on lookin at this pic, i'll die of violent convulsions due to the laughing fit - 'well,at least she died laughing', they'd say.
Flip the page....AND....there's burps again...in her praying (preying??) mantis pose...so much fr aspiring reebok model..
Dont even get me started on this one.
So many strange and bizarre words begin with 'B' dont they... birthdays, blogs, Burps,ball(like my new gymball, the star of the day and the highlight of many photos - apart frm burps,she's the comic relief- and the inspiration fr our gymball catalogue)
Let me start frm the top.

Chapter 2 : Bday Bogus Bonanza
It;s gonna be hard to forget Good friday 2005....for one, it was Goodfriday,holi and my b'day all rolled in one & how many ppl have the honour and privelege of having a b'day on such a special day...special ppl of coz..and there arent tht many of us arnd either...
for 2...it was eventful...eventful-o-eventful.Imagine being woken up early (ok early by my standards) to hear tht there are some random ppl standing at the gate...my maid was the messenger who looked pretty traumatised...and that my friends, is not a pretty sight to wake up to...well to put things in perspective, i guess its a prettier sight than what i saw when i looked in the mirror just before heading out, still half asleep...oh actually, fully asleep till i saw myself in the mirror, then i half woke up...talk abt rude awakenings.(yogaJ: so now u know why im epiphobic.)
so i step out, lookin like a shampoo advertisement gone very wrong,in my happening electric blue nightgown (i shld count my lucky stars, it cld have been worse...ALOT worse)..ok so there's the surprise troupe consisting of my goondot golliwog friends, s(m) holding a bright yellow mango mirror cake looking like he had a time&place -crisis ie : no clue what he was doing & why he was there.Then of course there's s(f) in bright pink smiling away and looking stressed at the same time, one of the few ppl i know who can do tht...leavin u unsure as to whether u ought to be stressed or not! and of coz there's yogaj grinning broadly& ( im guessing here), lookin at me trying to decide if i was really surprised or not...heh..pooh basically enjoying the drama and soaking it all in, and mr bs looking..actually i cant remember how he looked coz it dindt quite register but im inclined to think he looked stressed coz he probably wsa..the pooor chap comes alll de way across the island to my house only to rush off without even having a peice of cake offered to him!See, this is what happens when u sleep-host. oh wait, maybe mr bs looked surprised..since he wasnt expecting to meet me on good friday and all....(rite bs???) *grin...oK So that was the surprise troupe.Quite a colourful & motley assortment i must say..
Announcement : im gonna adopt & modify yoga's (very apt) petnames, dsnt speak volumes fr originality,but standardization might help...also the brackets are kinda getting to me...so henceforth, s(f) and s(m) they shall be referred to as evil and frankenstein respectively)
So there's me, my presents, the cake and some of the most lovable & special ppl i know in the world, around the table. (some of the other equally amazing ppl i know weren't around that table due to inevitable circumstances...they were at that point scattered in various parts of the world namely europe, australia and yet some others had to be in other parts of the island due to pressing commitments adn hence were not present - though im sure they were ALL pretty distraught about not being there...hehe...this is dedicated to them, u guys know who u are!)
OK so the usual routine, blow out the candles,cut the cake (psuedo cut of coz..someone else later slices and distributes neat little triangular pieces..the bday girl spares her guests of the agony of having to eat cake of various strange shapes/sizes/consistencies - rather unappetizing, visual lack-of-appeal.
Bday girl ignores guests and the cakes and gets busy opening the presents...

chapter 3 : odd-ball
bday girl eyes the presents...nicely wrapped...happy looking, colourful, beautifully wrapped..
Secretly pleased with number of presents...in times like these, the child inside rears its cheeky head, and reminds u that the increasing number of candles on that cake is just a number...and when it comes to presents, its more often a case of 'the more the merrier'...i wonder if things will change by next yr... hmm..
Tries not to ruin the hard work, artistic professional giftwrapping skills and efforts of frankeinstein in my excitement...successfully unveils the gymball...the GYMBALL...THE gymball...
to be honest fr a split second i had no idea how to react...i mean...how DOES one react to a gymball..and fr those who know me, ud know why i wasnt sure if the gift implied something more..so in my rather confounded and still dazed state.. i decided not to read into it and simply to say thank you to all of them.. little did i know at tht point, that such simple words wld seem inadequate and yet wld mean more than i cld dream of expressing to the ppl who'd made my 24th year in a day.
Among my pressies (argh help im becoming another lazy aussie! :p) there was that adorable moodswings baby-face calendar tht i fell in luv with at the co-op,the bodyshop white musk package and gorgeous earrings, and the scrap book..compiled with so much love and effort..its amazing how something so simple could be so beautiful, meaningful and priceless..confession, i nearly choked up right there adn then lookin at all the lovely notes my friends had contributed to it, esp the 'elang makkals' page ...i was overwhelmed.. i realised how much i missed those dreadful times i whined endlessly abt last sem...page after page, filled with memories,familiar faces i never want to forget and ppl i always want be surrounded by... the feeling i had thru out that day is simply indescribable. believe me when i say that in retrospect, the one word tht leaps to mind when i recollect how i felt that day, is blessed...and thts the closest i can get to any form of expression. Me the queen of verbosity.
And to think i nearly let it pass me by...nearly let it all evade me and id have missed out by my own doing.
And i have u guys to thank fr tht (u know who u are)...fr helping me hear myself, for helping me reflect,for knocking sense into me.
Thank You.All of you.

Chapter 4 : Ball of a time aka rolling good times
Now fr the non-serious funny stuff...im gonna refer you to guest bloggee 1 : pls give it up fr yogaj and read : http://yogajunkie21.blogspot.com/2005/03/ball-of-time.html
..given my happeningly exclusive readership, and the close knit blog community i belong to,i reckon all/most of u have already read this entry. But im convinced i cant do a better job of describing tht afternoon's events. It was in a league of its own. It'll sufficeth to sayeth that i've not had tht much fun in a very long while.
Sorry yogaj, to disappoint- and refer u back to ur own blog...i really cant come up wiht my own version tht will do it justice!
Ok really cant go on..ive managed to bore myself and i get a feeling im not alone, i can sense the virtual nods and yawns...this is waht happens when u blog like there's no tomorrow and when u get bored by your own rambling half way thru.....
no more mood now...pls read btwn the lines where necessary, and know tht i smiled thruought while typing this..and more so that day, right frm deep inside. of coz lookin at the album, i progressed frm smiling to hysterical shrikes of laughter...but thts another story for another rainy day.
Class dismissed. yal can wake up and log off now.

The blank page

*Counts to 10
*make that 25
*Takes a deep breath and resists the temptation to kick the cpu or shout something rude at the monitor.
*Decides anger,frustration or tears are not gonna help. Its not proactive.
If u haven't already figured it out,
I wrote out practically an entire chapter - a long LONG chapter - all about Goodfriday/Holi/My bday...
and then i decided to save draft adn continue later coz it was gonna be even longer and i was getting too sleepy to finish.
i clicked on save draft.
AND
the whole thing disappeared.
Left with a blank page.Empty.Deflated.
Words,feelings,my deepest thoughts,emotions - all that i poured out,
the blank screen mirrored the emptiness inside.
When just a minute ago, i was fulfilled, smiling contently, as i filled this space with words
I'm not gonna let this dampen my spirits, or deflate the 'bday ball'...
I may be deflated now but dont fret dear fans... i'll be all pumped up again and ready to write.
adn write i will -
coz words are all tht ive got,
sometimes theyre hardly enough.
But read between the lines, and listen hard...
U'll hear what i dind't say, read waht i cldnt write and understand waht i clndt express

I'll be back....soon.
Till then ...So long and thanks for all the fish :p
ps : Life is strange...i started out all chirpy and so deeply happy feeling blessed and just high on life...and now ive produced something about as cheerful and lighthearted as the works of T.S.Eliot and Emily Dickinson combined.
Life.
ps2 : u know waht yogaj!!Incidentally, the title of my post, (the original draft that got sucked into cyberspace) was 'ball of a time' too!!!and i had no clue that tht was ur title until i checked ur blog like 2 mins ago, after i lost mine! Great minds eh! :)

In the mood to quote

Feeling so sleepy....*looks at the thick stack of readings ....
.....Too sleepy... *Yawns*Will write some other time....Till then... Somethings to reflect on:


" I can only know that much of myself which i have had the courage to confide to you"

Sounds of Silence (From the movie, 'The Graduate')

"And in the naked night i saw
Ten thousand people, maybe more
People talking without speaking
People hearing without listening
People writing songs that voices never shared
No one dared
disturb the sounds
of Silence."

We are such stuff that dreams are made of...

Quote worthy.....

"Time is the substance I am made of. Time is a river which sweeps me along, but I am the river; it is a tiger that devours me, but I am the tiger; it is a fire that consumes me, but I am the fire. "
-Jorge Luis Borges, Labryrinths

"Drink your tea slowly and reverently, as if it is the axis on which the world earth revolves - slowly, evenly, without rushing toward the future. Live the actual moment. Only this moment is life." -Thich Nat Hahn

"The bad news is time flies. The good news is you're the pilot." - Michael Althsuler

"Never do today what you can put off till tomorrow." - Mathew Browne
(this one's my personal favourite and my mantra... most unfortunate...)

cheerio ppl....no thoughts of my own today, hence your all spared of a mini-epic style post!
:p

"Nothing is as far away as one moment ago"

Through the looking glass

Selection Theory
Had a really interesting soci tutorial today..The presenting group did a fantastic job and made the class highly engaging. Sides it was about friendship,something that always fascinates adn appeals to me. Coz i think its an indispensable aspect of my life.
How do we form friends...is it a matter of 'birds of a feather flock together' or 'opposites attract'...
what exactly is tht 'chemistry' that brings and keeps people together...even the most unlikely and mismatched candidates bridge their differences by building a wonderful bond. Its beautiful as a phenomenon.
Of coz there's a whole lot of sociological and psychosociological theory involved,which i will not go into..this isnt a mini soci tutorial!

"Each to each a looking-glass
Reflects the other that doth pass"

But just stuff to ponder on...How do we make friends...do we consciously choose/select/deselect or does it just happen?
How is it some ppl naturally gravitate towards one another,while others get "keep away" signals from a mile away??
And what if this initial ' keep away' vibe is really just a misguided 1st impression and what if negative perceptions change to become positive over time?
With others...its a matter of circumstances, sometimes ur even forced to become acquainted due to circumstances, the way i ended up sitting next to my fungi friend in class..we both hated it and never thouhgt we'd stick it out. She hated me coz she thought i was a spoilt brat, i guess i was, and i wasnt exactly in awe of her either, to put it mildly. Thought she as a bossy chatterbox who clndt sew to save her life - (well neither can i...but thts another matter!) I spent much of my home econs lesson wondering why this strange girl was sewing a witch on her pouch and upon completion,when she proudly declared it was michael jackson - THE michael jackson, i nearly flipped. Trust me, his downfall and defamation started right there, with that pouch and in that Sec 1 home econs embroidery class.
In sec 3, We just sat next to each other coz we were both stubborn donkeys with too mch ego and pride - And look where that lead us..a 10 year friendship that just gets better with time.I always wonder what would have happened if we had given in and sat elsewhere - i dont really want to know.
And yoga...i still remember how i used to be soo intimidated by her- not coz she was intellectual or anything mind you, far from it!she used to scare me with her corny jokes, which i assure you i dreaded coz i DID NOT GET THEM and i dindt find em funny...but i felt stupid coz i thought i was supposed to find them funny and something was wrong with me/ i just didnt get it *sheesh, i really was stupid back then!* so yea..then cmae the one big day tht broke the ice - iceberg rather - when she told me about the hit and run accident whereby a bicycle or something hit her, adn she got up and ran (ie: hit and run) - coz she didnt want to be booked for jay walking.That cracked me up.And i'd never have thought tht particularly day would have played such a big role in my life coz i ended up spending 4 precious yrs of uni life with her, and she's never failed to crack me up since ( and thts somethnig thts kept me going)... and of coz the rest is history.
Friendships based on Similarities, Bonds tht bridge Completely opposite and yet complimentary characteristics/personalities,friends that uve known since u can remember, friends formed with the bat of an eyelid, u dont know how nad when exactly it happened but it did and its every bit a blessing.Friends you meet every day, friends you dont have to meet and yet theyre always there in spirit,friends youve never even met and yet ur able to call him/her 'my friend' and smile about it.
The friends who appear from nowhere,and remind you that theyre there even when you forget...
Just when u thought u were all alone - u realise that youre not alone afterall- or maybe everybody else is, essentially alone, and in that way, nobody's ever really is...Im not making much sense anymore am i?

"You know that place between asleep and awake? Where you still remember dreaming? That's where I will always think of you." -Tinkerbell

I can keep going with unnamed friends - unlikely candidates,uncanny circumstances and unexpectedly desirable consequences...I beleive in divine intervention. I strongly beleive ppl come into our lives fr a reason...and If/when they leave or stay there's also a reason....its meant to be.
Perhaps its all part of a big plan unknown to us...but with the passing of time , it unfolds slowly and things get a bit clearer. Like the pieces of a puzzle coming together to form the big picture - Its a very slow process involving change,growth,pain,loss,gain.....but watching it fall into place is like a watching a caterpillar morphing into a butterfly...we never really will know the value of exactly what goes on in the process. but the end product, is a miracle.
True friends are a handful, but that's coz one always needs to be able to count his/her blessings.

"I do believe I know most of the best people in the world and you've all made my life livable..."
And here's one for the linguists :

The language of friendship is not words , but rather meanings . It is an intelligence above language." -Thoreau

Bits and Bobs

This is basically a blurpy blog..its bits and pieces and excerpts from emails and random things i wrote or spoke to ppl about today inspired by various events/thoughts...wanted to blog abt it but now that im actually putting pen to paper (fingers to keyboard rather!) i cant be bothered to write it all over again...hence i'm cut & pasting.
Those who find this all too familiar, bear with me or this is ur cue to take the escape route!
:p

Sound of music

I love carnatic music (Basically any kinda classical music)..but more so fr carnatic...the whole morning and evening raagas thingi...i dont know the names and every technical detail and im certainly no candidate , but i like listening to it..its so relaxing...Have always been taken in by the gentle stumming of the tambura...Luv meera bhajans...the nasal whining sounds of the violin....and the whole ghazals and sitar music on a calm breezy evening just does it fr me...They play carnatic music on the local radio channel..somewhere between 5-6am....Sometimes when i stay up all night, i end up sleeping arnd that time, and its almost the most beautiful experience in the world/one of - when its just becoming light otuside, the air is still cool, and theres this gorgeous music in my ears (literally, coz i attach the earpiece to my handphone to listen)...falling asleep to the music while watching the sky...u know.. theres soemthing very satisfying abt coming to bed when u know others are just starting their day,waking up getting ready fr work etc.
I do NOT like the sound of alarm clocks going off... rude awakening..cant think of a worse way to wake up to a new day.
I luv the sound of bells...any kinda chjime..on the 1st of every month at 12 noon the church bells wld ring all over singapore.Its divine.
I remember waking up to sounds of the carnatic music playing in my own house in those good old days when my grandparents were around...its so vivid..there were always 2 radios playing..the carnatic music 1st coz grandma was the 1st to rise - infact i doubt she ever really slept...evne if u happened to pass by her room at some bizarre time of the night or wee hoursof the morning, ud hear her talking with my grandpa..they werent the most lovey-dovey couple..the kind tht makes u wanna coo 'awwww' or makes u wanna puke at their affection either...in fact they hardly talked during the day and argued a lot! But hearing them just lying there, him on his bed and she on a mattress on the floor (they belonged to tht era tht u dindt sleep tog when ur kids grew up...i know...) and they would acually talk,albeit abt the most mundane things...but i donno..it gave me a warm feeling inside and..i miss it, as much as i miss them both coz its so intrinsically part of my memory of them.
Well i digress - so there wsa the carnatic music frm grandma's room and my mom went thru this phase where she felt it was educational to hear the BBC - she kinda took it too far too coz i remember the last thing we heard at night and the 1st thing she wld put on in the morning wld be the BBC channel!!I spent the better part of my childhood and my early mornings plotting ways to destroy that entire network!The period of the civil war was particularly memorable and traumatic fr me!it got seriously morbid and depressing starting the day hearing about oil spills and war in iraq - every morning! So all my dear friends out there, if ur wondering waht went wrong along the way that has made me this way - now u know..i have unleashed the secret!

Walk down memory lane

Been thinking alot about my old house in gardens...so many memories come flooding back.. so many echoes of stuff frm my childhood (guess thts just normal coz tht has such an impact on us). I wld love to live in a very simple single cottage style terrace house..the kind ud find in the remote depths of serangoon gardens..its sad coz those lovely houses are practically becoming extinct due to the way too many multi storey high rise metallic bungalows springing up all over the place. I grew in up in one of those simple humble little houses .... in gardens - spent nearly 18 yrs of my life there and i loved it..such a simple,quaint place though its changing at a rapid pace and not umch of its essence is left save the chomp chomp and the really old houses in which the original occupants still happily dwell...living contented lives almost oblivious to the 'modehrn' urban village (pseudo holland village) its being transformed into. There was a time when all the houses were uniformly small and humble, rockstone walls, and identical gates,windows,lay outs and almost every house had a tiny garden with bougainvileas (bet i spelt tht wrong) alamandas...and we had jasmine too..and the streets had such nice old fashioned british names...mine was worthing road...ive always liekd the sound of that..kind of has a ring to it. There's kensington park,huddington avenue,burghley drive,corfe place (one of my favourites),chistlehurst...and so many more..and the whole place was so pleasant and friendly..ud know practically everyone in ur street and the others too..esp among indians (needless to say!) and there was nothing pompous or glam or formidable about even the relatively grand houses...things have changed considerably now.
Ok so dragging us back to my point...a house like that wld be nice..after my grandma died adn stuff happened..we had to move..and i was really excited abt moving into a flat where we cld decide our own interior decor adn there dindt have to be a trace of linolium or ceramic tiles anywhere (worthing road was ceramic EVERYWHERE...i still am allergic to tht look!!!)..but 7 yrs and 2 flats on..i do miss the space and a garden and if i cld live anywhere in the world when i have my own home, it wld be in serangoon gardens.
OR
id love to live in a sort of villa somewhere by the sea!The sea is a non negotiable!!Too influenced by 'rebecca' perhaps, and this place we stayed at in mendera, south of perth - it was a HUUUUGE BUNGALOW with the indian/pacific (no idea whch one) ocean at ur doorstep...ok not doorstep but u had to walk like 10 steps out that house...and u cld see the sea frm every room...its a DREAM.

Room with a View

Oh well...a girl can dream! But wherever im gonnalive, i must have at least a room with a view..be it the sea, lots of greenery or the sky at least!

Was reading 'The dark room' AGAIN...just felt like reading bits of it...its one of those books u could read over and over again.I love RK Narayan books and the way he describes indian living is just amazing...its all so wonderfully and uniquely indian - the way he writes about Malgudi, the carefree childhood of the swami & friends..the school life,the women draped in indigo saris - elegant adn distinguished...the smart young man in his chocolate coloured tweed coat, cricket matches and jutkas and tiffins - yea yea im a theeni pandaarum but those scenes where the kids come home fr tiffin and coffee...or for the rice and curd adn mustard potatoes...still makes me drool!!its so tempting!Do u remember they used to have the 'Malgudi days' series a loing time ago..they used to show it on one of the local channels and it was simply beautiful...the music still plays on my mind, very disturbing nad nostalgid...its this haunting,sad humming which goes " thaa naa neh na neh na neh naaa". i remember loving those half an hour episodes...'the postman' one of my all time favourites, then there was the one on leela;s chain which eventualy is foudn in the tamarind pot while her innocent servant/playmate is unjustly accused and punished..RKN is such a born story teller.Not just in terms of plot..but there's so much culture in his writing...rich, authentically indian flavour..He's such a fantastic writer.

Almond Milk Handwash

That smell will always mean something special to me...
That cozy warm house always smelling of spices and various delicious treats...the garden groomed with much love and dedication...the tea...warm and soothing...the people..words wldnt do much justice.
The long winding dimly lit road..the long walk to wolfson - we had to pass a room with a light on.
A light in the attic.
Cobblestone streets...The swans, the river, the canopy of creamy roses,
Dil Chata Hai and the ghazal music in the gorgeous house, freshly painted walls...colours - rich beautiful hues..bro boru..baileys.
The man on the rocking chair...with a book, soft music playing...his rosy cheeked,crinkly-eyed grin..ever so genuine and lovable.
The sea....
Blue...green....clear and glistening...
The waves....
Jellyfish..
i dont want to remember jellyfish...its starting to hurt.
I dont know if i dont want to remember, or i dont want to forget.
It Still hurts.

Anger management

I woke up this morning, as grumpy as disagreeable as i could be, and totally unlike the contented and happy girl i was when i went to bed last night.
Its a curious phenomenon which ive encountered many times and i was gratified to discover, all those years ago, that i wasnt alone - it happened to katy too.
Katy Carr from 'what katy did'
It was a revelation...tht book..
I remember reading 'What katy did' when i was an equally silly and hot headed girl of 11..and i could relate to the stubborn and quicktempered katy, always getting into scrapes and petty fights with the younger siblings...soft on the inside hard on the outside...had all the potential to be loving and affectionate but somehow it came out the total opposite...it was all too familiar (still is, sadly).... i remember how i read that book over and over again and as proof of that, it lies now in my bookshelf, tattered,dog-eared (i try not to tho!!!) and half the pages coming loose...all signs of my enthusiasm and fond obsession with the book...vividly remember (reading abt) the day she wakes up grouchy and irritable, the ill fated day tht she falls of the swing simply coz of her strong rebellious streak and impulse to defy the well meaning aunt izzie. That chapter made an impression on me..i remember thinking, if only the aunt had told her why she shldnt swing that day..i felt katy was justified in wishing she had been forewarned..but thats life fr u...we dont get elaborate warnings, we get a sign, a hint a clue at the most, we either take it or we don't - and then face the consequences.
I loved that book...the names/characters...Immogen Clarke,Clover,..their adventures, the picnics, the loft, the poems and rhymes like stories within the story (thinks of mrs smith standing there talking about the russian doll effect and chaucer)...the heavenly tasting (or so i imagined) drink that i used dream about..the cinnamon sticks they chewed on..
Pooh and i talked about divine interventions the other night. How sometimes such terrible things happen to us, massively unfortunate or so it may seem at that time..but there's always a silver lining..perhaps tht needed to take place in order for something far worse to be prevented?Perhaps what could have followed wld have been far worse than the 'divine intervention' tho it seemed like the greatest calamity at that time.
Sheer naivete?Disillusioned and Idealistic?Maybe.
Optimism and undying faith?The ability/willingness to see the sun behind the clouds?
Perhaps.
Its all about perception.
That book had a lot to offer...
(I still wonder how one can go to bed feeling one way and emerge the following morning feeling completely the opposite way)
...lessons about life and the learning journey that Katy embarks upon...and how she evolves from an aggressive bully, albeit with a good heart, into a mature and giving young lady. Wow... maybe i have some hope.. *wishful thinking* - gets one nowhere or so ive been told..but it cld just be a start cldnt it.An initial spark might be all it takes..
Everything after all, needs to start somewhere.

Laughter & other tragedies

This is inspired by nothing in particular and everything else...
1st things 1st..was great talkin with u too agentM!Fr the record, I didnt go fr my morninglesson either..hehe but not much loss lah..wld have slept thru it i think!sides, it was worth the catching up...sorry u had to miss ur 1st tut tho..dont make this a habit - as much as im sure talkin to moi wld have made been more than worth it..hehe...and hey go get tht tonsil thingi checked out, don't sit on it and wait fr it to get worse u hear?!Prayin hard fr ur job hunt dude..gimme de good news soon and take care of thyself adn thy tonsils!!Tsk tsk!
And yoga-j tht's ur idea of an inspiring comment isit?!Tsk!Disappointing by even my linguistic standards man!Ur becoming abt as inspiring as HCLik - but since u wrote that warm and beautiful blog abt the house..maybe you have some hope afterall. (I'm sure agentM wld agree, as wld the rest of ur reader-club) I loved reading it..gave me this 'bitter sweet symphony' kinda feeling..particularly luv the way it ends..do NOT delete it!
So now back to the non-stuff...
well nothing much really..and i've been told i shld try to write shorter adn more comprehensive blogs...but ive always been an extremist...i either go the whole way or dont move at all..so tuff..hehe..well i'm always grumpy 1st thing in the morning... i'll be fine by tonight.
Tried clearing some of the clutter around and within my head this week...generally went quite ok i think..except a certain bitter aftertaste which i hope wont last too long..still have questions but i suppose thats just healthy..a sign that Im still pretty much alive and conscious rather than inert.Its been a week of mixed feelings...good days adn bad..definitely memorable. imptant thing is, its been a week..and things have changed..what more proof that life goes on eh.
Watched hide & seek wiht Jazz, it was M.A.D... we entered late, and to make it worse, we werent the most discreet abt it...no idea waht started it but we were laughing thru out the movie like freaks, fr no rhyme or reason...and at the most psychotic adn intense scenes we wld be most tickled and sat there doing everything within our subhuman power to stop the disruptive noises escaping from us which sounded lke we had some chronic breathing problem & were choking, desperately breathless and gasping fr air (which we were, but coz we were covering our mouths and noses sooo tight)..and by the time it ended we were so embarassed we just wanted to sink in btwn the seats...there ws just one word on our minds : HIDE...Bizarre i tell u..but it was so much fun...crazy good fun and brot back so many memories of pri sch..the age of innocence and insanity(things havent changed thaaat much frm then)...when we wld laugh fr no reason and wldnt be able to stop.... and of coz there was tht time when i had to sing fr an inter-level singing competition and i went up there...and halfway thru started laughing...i called it SIS..stress-induced-symptom...my instinct is to laugh...it was so embarassing..it was the day my sister, an innocent, unsuspecting, much humiliated and traumatized p1 student at tht time, disowned me...i dont really blame her ..im still pretty embarassed by myslf!! The judges had to ask me to stop and start over...sigh...and did i learn...oh no, that wld be too normal fr me..i started laughing yet again...i think God needed his share of laughter and comic relief and as a reward, he decided to let me have the 3rd prize which added insult to the injury coz it was far frm well deserved, and the whole school, me included, thought so too...sigh.
Then of course there was that time me,jazz and sumi decided to entertain the entire sch's indian population during mOther tongue assembly ..by...whaddya know...Singing again... i knowwww..i was pretty thick skinned in those days...and i was given the priveleged job of strictly singing in the chorus when 2 of em joined in...by the time we got to the 2nd stanza, i was in giggling like an insane airhead...and making futile attempts to camouflage it too...by the time we got half way thru, my laughing spells infected the still singing duo and we were all in stitches...we practically had a laughing fit rite up there in front of everyone.
Any offers to boost my dormant- since-then aspiring vocalist career....any takers??Contact me immediately.
Laughter is an amazing thing...it just brings ppl closer...esp when u can laugh about classic memories which u found anything but funny at the time tht it happened...it just makes everything ok somehow...some wise person has said if u can laugh abt it 10 yrs frm now, u might as well start now...very wise indeed.
No lacking in the laughter department fr me...no sire, no such luck...it has its down sides which noone really writes quotes adn poetry about..fr instance when my entire class was punished by a particularly stern and scary hist teacher - Sng, will never forget tht name...(agentM u might remember this one...still in those days tht u hated me & thot i was some spoilt and wonky dingbat...ironic eh..hehe) but yea...he made the whole class stand while he walked arnd inspecting each of us like we were repulsive worms to be disected and thus gotten rid off!ANd it started..yet another one of my Fêted laughing fits...it was painful,in retrospect i dont nkow where i got the guts...it wasnt guts..it was stress...like my theory suggests, its stress induced behaviour afterall. I will never forget how he noted me, and my mocking, or so it must have seemed to him, convulsions of laughter & desperate attempts to stop...it was traumatic. ANd it dindt make it better when he singled me out, and said 'YOU..come out now'...argggh...i think my reminiscing can stop at this point...what followed was Not pleasant...he confiscated my pen which at tht time was my most cherished posession and complained to my form teacher, who also happened to be my geog teacher...perhaps i shld add tht geog was Not my fav subject or my forte and she was not impressed....i felt reduced to a kindergarten delinquant...sigh.
And then of coz the countless times i had laughed when someone fell, or something painfully funny happened to someone...(painful to them, funny to me - NOT FUNNY to them)...when my mom fell straight into the drain at ECP.. while scolding me abt something i'm sure *suppresses a giggle - and nO i was not willing it in my mind, gasp how cld u even think that?!), when kanz got his fingers caught in the door by his own doing and skill...when anyone fell...when the flower pot landed on mould...i hated myself fr it, just like the other times...and wondered what kinda friend/daughter/person i must be...(looks guiltily at mo...sorrreeee...i dindt mean to,realy!!)and its true.. i really really cant help it, i promise..its not coz i wanna laugh or coz im being vicious or sadistic...i just see the funny side of it and tht plays on my mind again i think....i feel the person's pain, & i do get worried and stuff... but its out of sheer anxiety and helplessness, my instinct is to laugh..applies not just to others, but to me too!Beleive me, i laugh hardest when i fall or do something equally embarassing..ask anyone who's had the misfortune of being arnd me during some kinda mishap...there have been many occassions...my mom's gotten the worst of it...she just falls alot i guess....& she's gotten used to my reactions...after much doubt on her side, if i was psycho or void of any kinda humanitarian capacity to sympathise , i think she understands my plight now...hey its not easy one me either! its not something im proud of, its somthing ive been trying to quit...in vain so far tho i think ive learnt better ways to control myself...but fr now, the fact remains...thts my coping mechanism....i laugh.
Sigh
The days of my life.
Someone did say : "Beware of too much laughter, for it deadens the mind and produces oblivion"
True...
hmm...but then again someone else has said
"Laughter is the closest distance between two people."
This makes some sense too...
i really wonder...back to the box of acquiescence i go... *still with me ck?*
I have my doubts somehow...
...I've always wondered what wld happen if my prospective mother-in-law happened to trip on her sari or smethin and fell flat on her face on our very 1st meeting...and i laughed....
ARGH...
or if i met 'the one' and he decided, upon witnessing my most unfeeling and seemingly cruel reaction, that perhaps i was not the one afterall...tht wld be funny now wldnt it.
Seriously...these are among some of my deep dark fears and i do worry abt it!
maybe i need help...and i shld get help... before i come to a point i cant laugh anymore, or theres; nothing funny abt my life left...i wonder if thats what ppl mean by tragic comedy :s
Funny how an entire posting on laughter is so not funny...far frm it... im sitting here cringing and really dont feel like laughing abt any of it.

"You can't deny laughter; when it comes,
it plops down in your favorite chair and stays as long as it wants."

- Stephen King .... he wld have said somethnig like that!!!
Oh welll...
So much for short ones eh mouldee...
Tuff.... hehe
:)